misandry: a myth, a weapon or a shield?

male loneliness against femicide

Dec 10, 2024

The accusation of misandry is a mechanism for silencing women, a way of silencing the anger – sometimes violent but always legitimate – of the oppressed standing up to their oppressors.
- Pauline Harmange, I Hate Men1

To any man who may read this, I know that this is may come as a surprise and a hard concept for you to understand, but this is not about men. This is about women’s experiences with men. And until you understand that there is a huge difference between the two, your view is of no significance here.

I have -perhaps against my better judgement- come to terms with being the villain in a man’s story. Most women who demanded change throughout history were vilified, labelled as radical and hysterical. That is not to say that I could singlehandedly orchestrate a revolution, but I truly feel the weight of the women behind me. Speaking out is not only an obligation but also a privilege and I owe it to both the women who came before me and to the countless ones still suffering.

In my previous post a man called me a misandrist. To that I say yes, and?

The myth

I take a deep breath and brace myself for the self-righteous men that are lighting their torches and raising their pitchforks as I write this, ever-ready with their “not all men” chants and deluded oppression arguments. The radical feminists are getting angry again, how can we manipulate the narrative so that it shoves our false victimhood in women’s faces and guilt them into silence?

Misandry, according to these men, is the counterpart of misogyny and tightly tied to ‘contempt’ and ‘prejudice’ against men that imply irrationality and unjustified anger. As it is directed at women, it is also deemed unnatural because anger does not uphold the empathetic, feminine -patriarchal- narrative. Therefore women are incapable of experiencing rage unless there is something inherently wrong with them.

This concept is widely contested, with some denying its existence altogether and yes, the misandry men have fabricated with their “woe is me” laments does in fact not exist. No, misandry is not the counterpart to misogyny. It is however a byproduct of it. I can’t deny the existence of misandry beyond the condemning of these male-victimisation tactics because I feel it.

It’s grown inside of me over the years, more with every headline I come across. The rage I feel is on behalf of all women2. The bruises, blood shed, pain, screams and silencing of any woman, are felt as my own. Torture, abuse, humiliation, denial of education, sexual dysfunction and the hysteria label, arbitrary detentions, trafficking, glass ceilings, femicide and yet we are met with post-feminism claims and misandry nonsense.

A woman is murdered every 10 minutes, one in three women experiences gender-based violence, the US has just reelected a rapist, -and convicted felon over a very qualified woman- menstruating and pregnant women in Gaza and the West Bank have no access to healthcare, Afghan women are not allowed to speak in public, a “treatment centre” is being set up for defiant Iranian women, little girls are being sold as sex slaves, “YOUR body, MY choice” the list goes on and on and on and on.

Given my awareness of the barbaric dehumanization of my women, it would be a dishonor to them not to hate men. How else could I possibly respond to the endless pool of headlines that floods my timeline day in and day out? What else could I possibly feel other than ravenous and irrepressible hatred? To deny the existence of misandry is to deny women’s capacity to access anger. Women are not only capable of hatred but also entitled to it.

My misandry is exclusive to men who hate women and to the ones who refuse to acknowledge the very real, deranged problem. That is evidently most of them so I do, in fact, hate most men and their system. And yet intentionally harming a man has never crossed my mind, neither physical nor emotionally.

That is the key difference between misogyny and “misandry”. The worst case scenario to come from misandry is the disposing of men. The worst case of misogyny is femicide. We are comparing the bruising of the men’s ego to the violence against women and girls. Funny how women are perceived as overemotional for asking not to be murdered, when men can’t even handle female indifference. To argue that misandry and misogyny are different sides of the same coin trivializes women’s gender-based suffering.

Once, I told a boy I was powerful and he told me to mind my own business.
You think you can take over the world? And I said No, I just want to see it.
- Blythe Baird, Pocket-sized Feminism

Misandry as a weapon

The controversy around misandry arises because men weaponize it to delegitimize feminism. They dismiss misandry as the domain of “radical, mad women,” claiming that hatred is unnatural to us. Ironically, these same men get defensive when survivors of domestic violence, rape, and assault share their experiences, countering with complaints about how men also experience abuse and struggles like toxic masculinity and mental health3.

There’s a big difference between women dealing with the constant threat of being harassed, raped, and beaten by men, and men not being able to cry.
- Robert Jensen (via Julie Bindel)

To the men who feel so passionately about these issues I am pleased to announce that, in spite of what you may think, feminists are not your enemy. “Misandrists” are not your enemy. Your enemy is the patriarchy and anyone who perpetuates it, including yourselves. Blaming misandry for sustaining these themes is misdirected and only distracts from the actual root of the problem.

If cishet men are so disturbed by their mistreatment, then why are they opposed to systemic change? The answer is because they are not as concerned with dismantling oppressive structures as they are with deflecting from women’s demand for accountability.

Enter the “good guy” defense, presented by men who accuse feminism of demonizing them with generalisations. This is where the laughable concept of the male-loneliness epidemic starts to come into play too. Men are accusing women of unfairly rejecting them based on the misconception that they are all bad.

Good men we get it, you are brushed to the side because women are radicalized and won’t give you the time of day which, of course, you are entitled to. Never mind that you likely have a porn addiction and the emotional range of a teaspoon. How ever will you go on without the coddling of women who have always nurtured you in spite of your inability to perceive and treat them like human beings?

Sexist comments, intimidation, groping, violating boundaries, and aggression are seen as merely "typical" for men. But "typical" is dangerously interchangeable with "acceptable." "Boys will be boys," after all.”
― Vivek Shraya, I’m Afraid of Men

If the male loneliness epidemic exists, it does so in the same way that misandry does: on the spectrum of concepts developed as a result of women’s collective contempt of the patriarchy and men’s misogynistic behaviour, not of men themselves. These prejudices do not result in the objectification and murder of men, therefore they can’t accuse the so-called misandrists of disdaining crimes because that just does not happen. The worst form of “misandry” men encounter is being sidelined by women.

Misandry as a shield

I’m at peace with being a misandrist in men’s eyes because feminism is already branded as extremism by them. Misandry and the ‘male loneliness’ are concepts that emerge regardless of feminists’ true intentions. Reclaiming misandry, embracing it instead of denying it, forces men to acknowledge women’s collective hostility towards them. Where they go wrong is perceiving such hostility as unjustified and baseless because they view it as a reflection of their misogyny.

The phenomenon of female anger has often been turned against itself, the figure of the angry woman reframed as threat — not the one who has been harmed, but the one bent on harming
- Leslie Jamison, I Used to Insist I Didn’t Get Angry. Not Anymore

I am fed up of spelling out the problem for men with selective hearing and willful blindness, as if they are incompetent. These are not complex concepts to grasp and, as hard as it may be to believe, men are not that stupid -some of them are. As of right now, they simply don’t care to change because they don’t have to -they are unaffected. As long as misogyny does not have an impact on men’s entitlement, they will remain unbothered. The societal gains of oppressed communities throughout history have not been granted because the privileged had moral awakenings but because defiance and resistance inconvenienced them so largely that they were forced to give in.

What they describe as blind hatred is nothing more than passivity. Our generation of women is the first in a position to actually choose whether or not we want men in our lives -many still don’t get this choice, and for those women I scream even louder. What men fear is not the exposure of their misogynistic actions. It is their holistic abandonment by independent women who are not willing to settle for them. This is not punishment, it is simply indifference. So long as men refuse to change, women will continue to distance themselves from them in self-preservation.

When people call single women selfish for the act of tending to themselves, it's important to remember that the very acknowledgement that women have selves that exist independently of others is revolutionary.
― Rebecca Traister, All The Single Ladies

If they refuse to change then shame them. Reject them. Inconvenience them, point fingers, hold them accountable and do it loudly. I will shield myself from men who refuse to understand and force them to change in spite of their ignorance. I will shove kind words down their throats until they vomit their bitterness. With the rise of male loneliness -that we will not hear the end of- they will eventually, inevitably be forced to face the predicament of abiding to women’s expectations, even if they don’t understand our reasoning, or be confronted with the unthinkable -being alone.

I recognize that this may be unorthodox and the root of the problem -men’s misogyny- remains. But what is the alternative when patiently educating them and pleading with them to listen has been met with dismissal? If misandry inconveniences them enough to motivate a shift then so be it.

Food For Thought

The reason misandry is as controversial as it is, is because it stems from the rage of women. We have been conditioned to tread feminism lightly and get our point across gently so that we don’t lose men as allies. Because if we raise our voice then we are mad. But so much change happened before men joined the cause and if allies were the solution, we wouldn’t still be seeing here. I am not concerned with educating men, I am concerned with liberating women. The former has long been considered a prerequisite for the latter but the current headlines speak for themselves.

Expecting women to still put up with men’s apathy, to patiently repeat ourselves as men continue to quite literally kill women is absurd. Of course women hate men! Of course I am enraged that they still get their way, time and time again.

Why are we quicker to punish the response to misogyny than misogyny itself? Why is the dissociation from men, given their unending dehumanisation of women, considered so evil? I view misandry to be synonymous with female rage, which has become a more mainstream term, because it focuses on the “female”. The use of misandry is objected because it reinserts the man in the narrative.

Women are not just dying. They are not dropping dead with no explanation. They are being brutally murdered by men they are expected to trust. To simplify for the masculine brain, in order for men to stop being depicted as abusers, they must stop abusing women. That is the responsibility of not only the perpetrator but of his brother, friend and colleague. This can’t happen when even most of the self-proclaimed good guys insist on maintaining their bystander status when confronted with predators. This is where the generalizations stem from, because even the “innocent” bear a degree of blame.

Misandry exists but not in the way men claim. It is not an evil ideology, it does not objectify or fetishize their pain, it is not a bargaining chip, it does not even have anything to do with them. It is a result of and subsidiary to misogyny. If men want to blame someone for it they should blame themselves.

My response to being called a misandrist -always- by men who think they charge me with an offense that will fill me with shame and regret, is a gratified nod with a smile. Because men noticing the “hatred” directed at them is essential.

💌

When I tell you this post took over my life I mean it wholeheartedly. Over the past week, I have caught myself thinking about it on the bus, on my walk to campus, in my lectures and repeating my points to my friends.

In truth I’ve been scared of finalizing it because I’ve been scared it will reach the wrong people (men). Then I listened to Paris Paloma and Florence + The Machine and got over it.

I’ve linked my playlist of songs I’ve listened to over the past week (over and over and over) whilst writing this and I highly recommend listening while reading.

All my love always,

Silvia 🤍